Canada needs more patriotic porn. Three Canadian “adult” specialty channels are in violation of their license agreements for not depicting enough violated Canadians. The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission is concerned that AOV Adult Movie Channel, AOV XXX Action Clips and AOV Maleflixxx have failed to ensure that thirty five percent of their offerings are exposing Canadian viewers to Canadian talent. As a pubic service announcement here are fourteen ways to create more identifiably adult Canadiana.

  1. Canadian porn titles i.e.: The Gay Fox, The Handmaid’s Tail, Goin’ Down the Road and Trailer Park Boys.
  2. Suggested names for male genitalia include “Moose.” “the Prime Minister” “Captain Canuck” and “Bieber.” Suggested names for female genitalia include “Parliament Hill,” “Green Gables,” “Celine” and, of course, our beloved national animal… the polar bear.
  3. Bad dialogue in both official languages.
  4. Cheezy soundtracks by The Barenaked Ladies.
  5. No sex on the beach or in hot tubs – use ice-floes, Zambonis and, of course, canoes.
  6. At least once per film the director must cut from images of male genitalia to the CN Tower.
  7. All vibrators must be shaped like hockey sticks, Inukshuks or the Canadarm.
  8. At the moment of climax performers must shout the name of their least favourite Canadian Prime Minister and/or he/she (or he-she) “shoots” he/she (or he-she) “scores.”
  9. Scripts must use Canadian terminology – rename foursomes “double doubles,” refer to “virgins” as “Don Cherries,” anyone being mounted should be called a “Mountee” and choose your own meaning for “Senate probe.”
  10. Make sure everyone apologizes for everything.
  11. In order to qualify as “Canadian S&M” a film must feature at least one discussion of Senate reform, national unity or hockey violence.
  12. Pizza delivery guys will be replaced by postal workers — while we still have them. But in accordance with new Canada Post guidelines any special deliveries will take place at a designated box a kilometre away from home.
  13. Instead of covering a sexual partner in oil Canadian porn stars must use maple syrup — unless of course they’re using oil from the tar sands.
  14. No Brazilians. Parkas.

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