By Mark Leiren-Young
ANNOUNCER And now it’s time for Post Apocalyptic Fairy Tales with your host Uncle Kevie.

KEVIN: Once upon a time there was a man named Adam and a woman named Eve and they lived in a garden

MARK: What’s a garden?

KEVIN: It’s a place with flowers and trees and-

MARK: Like a biosphere?

KEVIN: Exactly. And in Adam and Eve’s biosphere of Eden there was every kind of animal in the world —

MARK: Doggies, cats, cows, chicken, pigs and rats.

KEVIN: There were even more animals than that.

MARK: Cockroaches aren’t a animal. They’re a bug. Same with ants.That’s what Mom says. Bugs aren’t animals.

KEVIN: There were lots of animals.

MARK: Everybody knows there’s only six kinds of animals. Doggies, cats, cows, chickens, pigs and rats.

KEVIN: Just pretend there were other kinds.

MARK: Like mutants. (Cries) Mutants.

KEVIN: Okay, don’t cry. There were all six animals.

MARK: In the same biosphere? That’s not legal.

KEVIN: It was then.

MARK: Cool.

KEVIN: And in the garden there were these beautiful trees.

MARK: Did they bite?

KEVIN: No, back then trees didn’t bite.

MARK: Freaky.

KEVIN: And on the tree was an apple.

MARK: Who put it there?

KEVIN: It grew there.

MARK: Apples don’t grow on trees.You have to use gene splicing to generate them in a polymer bath.

KEVIN: They used to grow on trees.

MARK: Apples on trees? You’re weird Uncle Kevie.

KEVIN: Just pretend.

MARK: Right. Apples on trees.

KEVIN: And there were deep oceans filled with millions of… catfish and sharks.

MARK: And applies, right.

KEVIN: There were no apples in the ocean.

MARK: Well, I figured if they were on trees…

KEVIN: And Adam and Eve were outside and they weren’t wearing anything and they were-

MARK: Dead.

KEVIN: No, they weren’t dead.

MARK: If they were outside without a radiation suit they were dead.

KEVIN: And a snake told Eve to eat the apple.

MARK: What’s a snake?

KEVIN: Okay, a rat told Eve to eat the apple.

MARK: Oh yeah, like a rat would ever share food.

KEVIN: And Eve ate the apple–

MARK: Did she check it with her Geiger counter?


MARK: So she died. This is a terrible story.

KEVIN: She did not die.

MARK: She ate something from outside. She didn’t use her Geiger counter. And I bet she didn’t check for residual pesticides either. She’s dead.

KEVIN: And then the voice of God came from the sky.

MARK: What’s a sky?

KEVIN: Well, uh

MARK: And then what happened?

KEVIN: They all died. The end.

MARK: That’s a lousy story. Tell me the one about Noah’s dinghy.