By Mark Leiren-Young
ANNOUNCER And now it’s time for Post Apocalyptic Fairy Tales with your host Uncle Kevie.
KEVIN: Once upon a time there was a man named Adam and a woman named Eve and they lived in a garden
MARK: What’s a garden?
KEVIN: It’s a place with flowers and trees and-
MARK: Like a biosphere?
KEVIN: Exactly. And in Adam and Eve’s biosphere of Eden there was every kind of animal in the world —
MARK: Doggies, cats, cows, chicken, pigs and rats.
KEVIN: There were even more animals than that.
MARK: Cockroaches aren’t a animal. They’re a bug. Same with ants.That’s what Mom says. Bugs aren’t animals.
KEVIN: There were lots of animals.
MARK: Everybody knows there’s only six kinds of animals. Doggies, cats, cows, chickens, pigs and rats.
KEVIN: Just pretend there were other kinds.
MARK: Like mutants. (Cries) Mutants.
KEVIN: Okay, don’t cry. There were all six animals.
MARK: In the same biosphere? That’s not legal.
KEVIN: It was then.
KEVIN: And in the garden there were these beautiful trees.
MARK: Did they bite?
KEVIN: No, back then trees didn’t bite.
KEVIN: And on the tree was an apple.
MARK: Who put it there?
KEVIN: It grew there.
MARK: Apples don’t grow on trees.You have to use gene splicing to generate them in a polymer bath.
KEVIN: They used to grow on trees.
MARK: Apples on trees? You’re weird Uncle Kevie.
KEVIN: Just pretend.
MARK: Right. Apples on trees.
KEVIN: And there were deep oceans filled with millions of… catfish and sharks.
MARK: And applies, right.
KEVIN: There were no apples in the ocean.
MARK: Well, I figured if they were on trees…
KEVIN: And Adam and Eve were outside and they weren’t wearing anything and they were-
KEVIN: No, they weren’t dead.
MARK: If they were outside without a radiation suit they were dead.
KEVIN: And a snake told Eve to eat the apple.
MARK: What’s a snake?
KEVIN: Okay, a rat told Eve to eat the apple.
MARK: Oh yeah, like a rat would ever share food.
KEVIN: And Eve ate the apple–
MARK: Did she check it with her Geiger counter?
MARK: So she died. This is a terrible story.
KEVIN: She did not die.
MARK: She ate something from outside. She didn’t use her Geiger counter. And I bet she didn’t check for residual pesticides either. She’s dead.
KEVIN: And then the voice of God came from the sky.
MARK: What’s a sky?
KEVIN: Well, uh
MARK: And then what happened?
KEVIN: They all died. The end.
MARK: That’s a lousy story. Tell me the one about Noah’s dinghy.