Mark Leiren-Young
The ship Whales Forever set sail to Norway to stop the whalers and their harpoons
And they’d set up a brand new weapon to challenge their foes at high noon

Yes, the ship was equipped with a cannon and the cannon packed quite a surprise
Because instead of shooting out cannon balls it fired banana cream pies

One Sunday they spotted a whaler he was hollering to throw out the net
And the captain yelled “fire” and the whaler was hit with a shot he would never forget

Yes his face was covered with custard and a layer of bananas and cream
And the whalers yelled foul and the Norwegian sailors scowled as the whale swam away down a stream

The next day the news hit the papers and soon it was on CNN
This new weapon was surely a danger and should never be unleashed again

The United Nations was outraged this new weapon had to be stopped
Attacking whalers with pies was improper even if there were cherries on top

Then the scientists met with the bakers and soon the menace had spread
Countries had stopped making missiles and were whipping up pie crust instead

A Pentagon meeting confirmed it the pie race had got out of hand
The Koreans were fiddling with fillings, the Arabs had pies made of sand

Japanese pies were smaller and faster, Russian pies could get by radar unseen
And satellite photos seemed to confirm, The Italians were using ice cream

The Germans had layers of dark chocolate (ACCENT), The French had perfected meringue
And those tricky Australians went and invented a triple-layer banana boomerang

So the President called for a total ban on all unlicensed pies
And the protesters marched in Washington waving their protest signs

“You’ll pry this pie from my cold dead hands” and the crowd continued their cries
“When all cream pies are outlawed only outlaws will have cream pies”

But Whales Forever kept up their patrols guarding the whales in the seas
Attacking Norwegians with fresh banana cream and aiming fudge at the Japanese

The whalers complained that these attacks were cruel and impossibly tricky
Because each time they tried to kill a new whale they found that their faces were sticky

Then the whalers stole the pie cannons in a move so incredibly yellow
So Whales Forever launched their ultimate weapon a missile filled with raspberry Jell-O

And now the whales are safe at last their extinction has been averted
Because all of the whalers on the world’s high seas have been covered with pies
— and desserted.